Handy Squirrel Breaking news! Squirrels begin weaponizing human hands!
In an effort to reduce squirrel deaths from dogs, cats, and that most feared mass murderer of squirrels, cars, squirrels everywhere have decided that it’s time to go on the offensive to protect themselves. Unfortunately for us the target of all their squirrelly wrath is our very hands! In one propaganda poster found attached to an acorn in the park it said the following:
“squeaker squeak squeakings squeakity squeak squeak squeakens squeakity!”
Which roughly translates to: “No squirrel is safe until all squirrels have opposable thumbs!”
Shortly after this note was discovered, Central Park was overrun with merciless squads of attack squirrels. Over 200 squirrels were able to gain control of 50 human hands, with the humans attached. One captive, Billy, was heard screaming for his mother, only to find that his mom was being dragged away as well. So far no trace has been found of either Billy or his mom.
It’s unknown how common everyday squirrels were able to accomplish this first attack with such speed and ferocity, but our offices have just received a note attached to the collar of a dog that walked into our offices.
It reads as follows: “Rough rough woof bark. Bark bark woof rough rough woof. Woof woof bark bark growl growl woof bark bark rough bark.”
We believe this translates to: “Dog kind has long known of squirrel plot. For the low price of 5 dog biscuits and 10 minutes of pets per dog, we will permanently take care of the squirrel problem.” Clearly we are not alone in this fight.